I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was confusing and full of hummus
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
