youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
