I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
