I puked a lego.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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