You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
