so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
