Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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