for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Of course I have a pirate flag
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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