I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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