i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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