I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
