He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
