we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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