you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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