I wish I only lived at night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
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HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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