I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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