Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
