I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
