Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize