Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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