I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
