I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
