i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
