Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
