man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
