she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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