How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
