dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
