The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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