how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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