Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
