party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
