Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
