we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
