I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
