I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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