my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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