the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
