Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
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dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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