No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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