You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
