Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
