You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.