i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam