got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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