I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
