im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
