Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
