my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
