I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
