My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
