The maid of honor just puked.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
