Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
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You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours