So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.