Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
